


Brother

by Moxley_Mox018



Series: Bruised and Scarred [2]
Category: World Wrestling Entertainment
Genre: Angst, Character Death, Coming Out, Death, Explanations, Heavy Angst, Implied Sexual Reference, M/M, Manipulative Dean, Regretful Dean, Struggles with insecurities, struggle with self acceptance
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-12-02
Updated: 2019-12-02
Packaged: 2021-02-26 16:27:38
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Major Character Death
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,863
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21651277
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Moxley_Mox018/pseuds/Moxley_Mox018
Summary: Sequel to “I Don’t Want to Be You Anymore”It’s been four months to the day since Seth lost the battle to the demons in his mind, and Dean’s life hasn’t been the same since.
Relationships: Dean Ambrose | Jon Moxley/Seth Rollins | Tyler Black
Series: Bruised and Scarred [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1560901
Comments: 11
Kudos: 19





	Brother

**Author's Note:**

> I’m sorry if I’m a bit rusty 😅 it’s been a hot minute since I’ve actually written anything.  
> I hope you guys still love Ambrollins as much as I do.

The bitter chill of the Midwestern air bit into Dean’s pale skin as he forced his feet to shuffle forward. Besides the sound of the dead leaves crunching under his worn out black boots, it was eerily silent. It made his stomach churn anxiously in anticipation.

A part of him didn’t want to be here, or to even be in this situation at all. But unfortunately it was because of his own selfish and shitty actions that he was even in this situation in the very first place.

The overwhelming guilt of it all was slowly but surely consuming him. He had put this off long enough. If he didn’t get any of this off of his chest soon, he felt like he was going to suffocate.

His dull blue eyes scanned over the lettering on at least a dozen different slabs of granite, nestled securely in the ground, before they came to rest on the name that he had been searching for. 

“Seth Daniel Rollins”  
“Beloved Son. Brother. Friend.”

The lone, dark, headstone stuck out amongst the other lighter colored ones that were scattered around it. Dean could tell that it had been regularly kept up with, as all the weeds around it had been removed, making it look neat and tidy. A single red rose, more than likely from his mother, had also occupied the space right at the base of it.

He slowly let out a shakey breath as he stared at the headstone, wishing for the same thing that he had been for months now. He wished for this to all be some kind of nightmare. That he’d wake up the next morning with Seth still beside him, dark hair all over the place, and his chest rising and falling as he slept contently in Dean’s arms. 

But it just wasn’t going to happen. At least not in this lifetime. 

This was his new reality. The reality that he’d been struggling to accept since the news broke four months ago to this day, that Seth Rollins had taken his own life by swallowing a bottle of sleeping pills in his hotel room. 

The reality that was all because of Dean. 

His eyes watered as he slowly got down onto his knees. Calloused fingertips rubbed at the fabric of his worn out jeans, hoping to bring himself some kind of comfort as he started to shake for a whole different reason besides the cold.

He bit at his bottom lip as he struggled to think of the right words to say. 

“H-hey buddy.. I mean, hey Seth..,” he started shakily. “I guess I don’t really have the rights to call you that anymore. After well.. you know.”

The wind whipping softly around him was the only response he got as he spoke. 

“Anyways, um.. I know I’m probably the last person you’d ever want visiting you, considering all the horrible things that I’ve done to you.. But those reasons are actually what I’m here to talk to you about.”

Dean let the words fall from his lips as if Seth’s gravestone were some kind of confessional. Which in a weird way, it kind of was. 

“I know that none of this means much anymore. Because no matter what I say, nothing is going to change the fact that you’re gone. Buried in a hole six feet under the ground..”

He stopped himself for a moment, dragging a sleeve across his already damp eyes.

“But either way, you deserve an explanation. An explanation that I should’ve given you a long ass time ago..”

He sucked in another deep breath, trying to find the right words to say. The things that he was about to confess were ones that he had never spoken to anyone before. Not Seth, and not even Roman. He especially knew that if Roman had known the truth about why he had done what he had done, the Samoan would have up and left his ass a long time ago. And Dean didn’t think he had enough strength or sanity left in him to lose anyone else that was remotely close to him. It would ultimately end up destroying him. 

With a shaky hand, he gently started to trace the name of the man that he had loved, to keep him grounded as he confessed everything. 

“That day when Roman called me, and told me that Finn had found you.. well, Seth, I honestly thought all of you guys were just messing around. Trying to play a dirty trick to get back at me for hurting you in the way that I did.. I didn’t want to believe that you had actually done it,” he choked out as he shook his head, teary eyes looking up to the overcast sky.

Dean hadn’t been the only one that didn’t want to believe that Seth was actually gone. Finn and Roman, along with the rest of his family, friends, and the entire wrestling world had taken Seth’s loss hard. No one wanted to think that this was more than just a publicity stunt. 

It still makes Dean sick to his stomach when he reflects back to the night that Seth’s flame burned out. That night, Finn had came back from an evening out with his friends. The Irishman had originally thought Seth was sleeping peacefully on his back, covers pulled up to his chin. He didn’t think anything else of it until the next morning, when he noticed the otherwise early riser wasn’t up yet. Or when he also noticed that the male hadn’t moved a single inch since the night before. 

If Dean had been there, he would’ve known right away that something had been wrong. 

Out of all the times that he and Seth had slept in the same bed, he had never slept on his back. The dude was a restless sleeper on a good night, always tossing and turning every few minutes. For the most part though, he was usually a side or a belly sleeper, depending on the day and what parts of his body hurt the most. Seth had also been a rather loud sleeper, always snoring no matter what sleeping position he was in. 

If Dean were there, there was a good chance that Seth could’ve been saved and that none of this would’ve ever happened. 

“Or maybe if you hadn’t have been such a fucking dick to him in the first place, he’d still be here,” his subconscious whispered to him.

Dean dug his blunt fingernails into his jeans as he thought back to the beginning of Seth’s eventual downfall. 

He knew all about Seth’s internal struggles and his many insecurities. He’s even experienced a few of the younger man’s breakdowns over feeling like he wasn’t good enough as an athlete or as a person. Or over his fear of failing or disappointing the people that he was close to, along with the wwe universe. Dean also knew about Seth’s previous struggles with his identity. 

Seth’s shared with Dean, the many horror stories about what life was like for him growing up. About how he was harassed and told to go off himself by all the other kids at school, just for being gay. He knew about Seth’s previous attempt at suicide and how he had chickened out. Dean had known about it all. 

So why would he go as far as to out Seth in the way that he did? Why would he go as far as to spew all those hateful words towards him in front of everyone at that stupid fucking bar? Especially when he knew about all of these things that plagued the younger man’s mind?

Well, a part of the reason goes back even farther than when he had first met either Seth or Roman. It went all the way back to his early teenage years.

Dean had been raised in a rather strict household throughout his teenage years. With him being the only son in a house full of estrogen and other female hormones from his three older sisters and his mother, his drunk of a father held some pretty high standards for his son to follow.

It was very obvious that in his father’s eyes, there was no room for a fairy of a son in their family. He had preached all throughout his son’s young life, that Dean were to grow up a man. The kind of man that were to fall for and marry a nice girl, and then start a family of his own. And then be able to go out and provide for said family. There was no room in his dads mind for anything less than a perfectly masculine life for his only son. 

So despite noticing himself having an interest in the other boys in his class, he shoved the thoughts away, and into the deepest, darkest part of his mind. There was no way that he was going to risk a beating from his homophobe of a father for being the very thing that he was raised not to be. He refused to ever let his secret out. 

His fear had kept him hidden for the most of his life. He didn’t think he could handle the negativity that was bound to stem from it.

Instead of facing his problems (like he should have done), Dean found himself running from them. Inside, he knew what he wanted, but he refused to fix them. With time, he hoped that they’d just disappear altogether.

But they never did.

He had started to become one of those people that harassed and talked down on others because of their sexual preference. It acted as a shield to hide the truth that he in fact, was gay. He had turned himself into a monster, living a bitter life of hatred and denial. All because he didn’t want anyone to find out about a stupid little secret that would go on to eventually ruin his life. 

Thats where one of the biggest differences between he and Seth had come into play. 

While Dean lived in an isolated world of his own conflicting thoughts and feelings, Seth had been able to come to terms with his sexuality over time.

Unlike his auburn haired counterpart, he had had a whole support team behind him. It didn’t matter whether it was his parents, his brother, his friends, or even the hospital staff that had helped to nurse him back to health, he was always backed up. He had been accepted for who he was. He wasn’t ashamed of who he was either. His parents didn’t try to make him be someone who he wasn’t, unlike Dean’s own parents. 

“I envied you for it,” he said, biting down on his bottom lip. “I envied you for having the things that I never had growing up. I never had the support, or the courage, or the love that you got through your journey. All I would’ve gotten was a punch to the teeth and thrown out into the streets.”

It had been easy for Dean to live that lie for quite awhile. He moved on with his life, going out on multiple dates and hooking up with multiple different women in an attempt to try to tell himself that it had all just been a phase. For awhile, even though it still hadn’t felt right, it had worked out for him. At least it did before he had hit a roadblock. 

A roadblock named Seth Rollins.

Seth had managed to melt through Dean’s mental walls as if they were made of plastic from the moment that they had first met. With just a shy little smile, he had managed to tear out all of the hidden feelings and emotions that Dean had kept buried for the majority of his life. 

“You were the most beautiful fucking human being I’d ever laid my eyes on, Seth,” Dean chuckled softly between sniffles. “You flipped my entire world upside down with one smile and a nasally little laugh..”

Their entire relationship had been rocky from the start. The very first time that they had become close, Seth had left them. Sold out to the authority for a bigger paycheck and more tv time. As heartbroken as Dean had been over the whole situation, it also saved him. It saved him from making a wrong move and showing just how much Seth’s betrayal had hurt him, and accidentally outting himself to the whole world. 

Nothing intimate had ever had the chance to happen between them. Not until after they had reconciled a few years later, right before Dean had gotten put out with an injury. During that time, it was easy to hide their relationship from everyone. It had mostly been kept up over the phone or through text messages. Unless Seth had a few days off to come and spend with him. No one suspected a thing. Roman and their other friends had just seen it as two mates hanging out together.

And boy did Dean love every minute that he had gotten to spend with Seth. Whenever it was just him and the younger male, all of his negative thoughts and worries flew right out the door. He had found it easy to be the person that he had kept hidden for so long around Seth. He had felt what he had longed for. He felt loved, accepted, and even happy.

“So how could I? How could I ever hurt the person that made me feel alive? The man that managed to keep me grounded just from one look in his deep brown eyes?” 

Dean scoffed a little at himself as the memory of his parents catching him and Seth in the act on his living room couch flooded back into his mind. He felt so pathetic for not sticking up for himself. You think he would’ve taken the advantage and came out to his parents right then and there. But he didn’t. Instead, he accepted the insults and cuss words that were throw at him by his father a few days later, after Seth had left to go back out onto the road. 

Slowly, Dean had started to retreat back into his own head. Instead of talking to his boyfriend or his best friend about his troubling thoughts, he kept them bottled up. He let them come up with every horrible situation that they could think of, scratching and clawing at the inside of his mind, and eventually getting to the point where he thought his head was bound to explode. He couldn’t wrap it around his head that he had been found out in the worst way possible. He had no one there at the time to support him or show him that everything was going to be okay. He had no idea where he was supposed to go from here. 

Over the rest of the time that he was out for his injury, his negative mind along with the help of some alcohol in his system had ended up making the decision for him. He’d rather still be closeted to the whole world than be where he was in that moment. To his sick, vulnerable mind, being miserable was the route to go instead of finally learning to accept himself for what he was. 

And once he was back on the road, he had decided to take action. The night that Dean had planned to dump Seth, he persuaded the younger male into going out to the bar with some of their work friends. It had been tricky getting him to agree at first, due to the fact that the brunette had preferred a quiet night in over a wild night out with the boys.

Fast forward to the moment that Dean had noticed Seth walking out of the bathroom and over towards the bar for another drink, was when he had brought the subject up to their friends. 

*flashback*

“Even if I was gay, I’d never fuck someone like him, he looks like a fucking emo muppet,” Dean stated, words slurring together a bit as all their work friends around him erupted into a fit of laughter. “I can’t believe anyone would ever think I’d want someone like him. Because believe me, I’ve seen pictures of his dick, and it’s nothing really impressive if you ask me!”

His icy blue eyes locked onto Seth’s as the hateful words spilled from his lips. He watched as the embarrassment and confusion seeped into those big brown eyes of his. Dean also noted the pure white knuckles that had a death grip on the glass that he had been holding in his hand right before it had shattered. 

Everyone around the table had gone quiet at Seth’s presence. His heart raced in excitement at the pained look on the younger males face. As awful as he had felt, this was something he had to do to protect himself. 

“That’s all I am to you?” Seth had asked, his voice shaking.

“Well yeah, what did you think we were? In love? Boyfriends? Fuck buddies?,” Dean laughed as he mocked him, knocking back the rest of the whiskey in his glass.

“Dean.. You’ve literally told me for months that you loved me. You called me every single day you were at home from your injury because you claimed you “missed me”,” Seth choked out, fighting his tears. “Why are you acting like there isn’t a problem here?!”

The atmosphere had been silent around them as Dean stared up at Seth, quickly trying to think of something to say. 

“I don’t know what you’re talking about,” he finally decided to answer, pushing his glass away and standing up from his seat. “But I suggest you just drop it, like you seem to drop everything else.”

“You know damn well what I’m talking about Dean!,” Seth yelled. “Or do you not want everyone to know that you’ve been fucking me since we reunited last year! That all my free time was spent at your place in Vegas, treating you like some kind of a fucking king! Only for you to go and treat me like this? What did I ever do?”

The second that Seth had said those words, something inside of him had snapped. Who did he think he was, putting Dean on the spot like that? He wasted no time getting up into the brunette’s face, grabbing ahold of the collar of his t-shirt. 

“I SAID that I suggest you quit fucking talking before I make you..,” Dean said, loud enough for everyone in the bar to hear. “You were fun while you lasted. A good hole to fuck when I needed it. I can see why Hunter wanted a little slut like you.”

Since Seth had already done the deed of outting Dean, there was no way that he could come back from that. So he went with it, adding in some of the younger man’s insecurities to get back at him. Little did he know that they would bring Seth’s fuse dangerously close to blowing up. 

“You don’t and never will mean anything more to me than that. You’re nothing but a slut Seth. You were never my brother, and you never will be. So get that in your head now, pal. Because whatever this was between us? It’s fucking over and done with now. You mean nothing to me because that’s exactly what you are.. nothing.”

The next Monday on Raw, he finalized those words by beating the hell out of the man that he loved for the whole world to see. And permanently ending anything that they had between them.

*end of flashback*

“When I think back to all that stuff I said to you that night, I really want to smash my own head in with a sledgehammer. I really am a fucking awful person.” 

The tears rolled freely down his cheeks as he cried. 

“If I had a fucking pair of balls, I would’ve stuck up for you and fought for you and your love like a real man would have. I would’ve faced the wrath of my parents and the world like a man instead of being a little bitch and running away from it my whole life.”

Seth had deserved so much more than what Dean had given to him. He had deserved to live a happy life with someone who truly valued him. Someone who would show him off instead of keeping their relationship confined to the shadows where no one could see. Someone who would marry him, and maybe even start a family with him. He truly didn’t deserve what he had gotten instead. A piece of shit that would rather lash out and leave him to continue living in hiding instead of growing more accepting of himself.

“Now I have to take responsibility for my actions and live with the hurt that I caused for myself and the rest of the world. I have to live with the pain that only gets worse as the days go by. The pain that never ever stops.”

“You have no idea just how many times I’ve asked God for us to swap. I beg and plead because you have so much to live for Seth.. I have nothing. Nothing but a life that I feel trapped in because of my own stupid mistakes.”

Dean rubbed at his eyes as he slowly stood up. 

“Not a day goes by where I don’t regret everything that I’ve ever done to you. I took you, my brother, my love, and my family, for granted. I’m never gonna get that back. I’m never going to share another laugh with you about something stupid that we seen on tv, or get another one of your amazing hugs. The only thing I have left waiting for me is a lonely life full of guilt and hatred for myself for being a pussy. Your love was and always will be enough to keep my head up and fight through anything, yet I was stupid and fought against it.”

He brought his fingertips up to his lips for a kiss before resting them against the smooth granite stone. 

“I know this wasn’t the best explanation about everything I’ve done. There never will be an acceptable explanation in my mind. But your soul is free now, Seth. I am so sorry to have been the one to put you where you are now. I love and miss you more than you could ever imagine.”

It was sad that this had to happen for him to FINALLY open his mind. The road to forgiving himself wasn’t going to be easy or ever be 100% complete, but now that he had at least spoken about all of the things that he’d been fighting with for years, he mind felt a strange peace of mind. 

One last tear rolled down his cheek, dripping down onto the grass in front of Seth’s headstone, before he turned to walk away to start the journey that he should’ve started a really long time ago.

The path to accepting himself.

**Author's Note:**

> Comments and Kudos go a long way :P


End file.
